Ajmal Amir Kasab speaking…

Salaam-Alei-Kum, this is Ajmal Amir Kasab speaking.

When they recruited me in the Lashkar-e-Taiba, they told me about how badly Muslims were treated in India – they told me about one Mohammad Azharuddin, who was subjected to the cruelty of being the longest captain of the Indian cricket team – in a period when apart from a hero cup or Asia cup, they didn’t win many tournaments. How cruel! That would have happened with only Muslims – the LeT told me that Tendulkar, because he was an Hindu, was spared that misery.

LeT also told me about Salman, Shah Rukh & Aamir – they are being hassled by the media so much! See how Hindu stars are spared by the media. Very bad discrimination.

So with one APJ Abdul Kalam – he was made a President to torture him! Imagine all the stupid people around him that he had to tolerate – they might as well have exiled him.

So, on hearing such discrimination, I decided I’ll attack India. And when LeT told me I’ll go to Jannat, I thought they were either joking or they meant that I get to see that serial kisser’s movie.

But really, this is Jannat!

When I was in my village in Pakistan, all I got was justifiable abuse from my father for being useless & hunger. Now, I get good, clean clothes everyday. I have a barber who attends to me where I stay. I get newspapers & quality food (people actually taste it before they give it to me, just to ensure the salt is correct). And I have more security than probably the President or Prime Minister of India. I heard that they have even adjusted the traffic around the area I live, just for my peace. I spend my valuable time usefully by lying down and dreading about a day when I might have to give up this Jannat. I also recollect with satisfaction about how diligent & efficient I was in my job – I killed well, yeah.

People wonder why I smile so much in court – how stupid? People work hard all through their life and still get ripped off by Financial Houses, Hospitals or the Government itself. After so much, people still go hungry or sleep on pavements (where they risk being killed by a car more than malaria). Given the good life I am living, I’ll obviously smile. Do they know that if LeT even suspects a member to be a traitor, they execute them immediately? And here I am – they have video taped evidence against me, photographs and hundreds of people who saw me doing my job. And they still want to continue what they call a “path-breaking legal process”. Call me a pioneer or visionary for the idea.

You know, this is what gives me most satisfaction – that I have become an entrepreneur who has created so many jobs. What would all these Judges, Lawyers, Journalists, Politicians, Jailers, Cops & Thinkers be doing if I hadn’t happened? They’d have been jobless I guess. And just because one case won’t suffice, I also gave them a second one - I knowingly entered the platform of the railway station where I murdered about 70 people without a platform ticket – just to create more employment. So there you go – am actually more good to India than most average Indians.

Well, that brings me to the conclusion of this essay – a collection of these can published (generate more jobs) at a later date as a memoir – publishers can contact the HO of international terrorism in Islamabad to buy the rights – just talk to one Asif Ali Zardari, he’ll ask for 10%, but once you give that, he’ll take care of the rest. What’s more, he’ll have many more memoirs to publish – a guy with lots of “contacts” in the terror world. 

Will they give me a Bharat Ratna? Or will it be a Padma Vibhushan? Or a Param Vir Chakra (don’t tell me it is only for battle scarred soldiers, I am a soldier, a fidayeen - killed a cop before I was arrested)? I just hope they do it while am alive – because if they award it posthumously, I won’t be able to generate more jobs – you know, the TV Interviews & inspirational talks about my journey.

Hmmm…Lot’s to think about…Chalo, Khuda Haafiz.

It’s all irrelevant…

The Court will rule that consensual same sex relationships are not criminal – but the Court hasn’t yet punished people who attacked women in pub because they thought the women were being obscene.

Meanwhile, why are activists so happy? Weren’t they in a relationship when it was illegal? Did being on the other side of the fence stop them from being gay? I don’t think it did – and if it did, I don’t think the ones who stopped are gay enough. Then what’s there to rejoice about?

Especially in India, there’s a long way to go between what’s on paper & what’s in practice – I wish a child of the judges who ruled is gay. I would love to see how s/he accepts the truth & treats them “equally”.

But this is not just with Gay rights – naah, that’s not what I am against. I hate this “looking-for-legal-approval” behaviour. When it comes from the Ganja smokers sitting in German Bakery that Ganaja should be legalised, I hate it. Cause it’s illegality has never stopped those guys from smoking it 5 times a day. Same with women rights – Bharatiyaar sang about the new-age woman and women were proving themselves in every field – but there’s always this gang that need a legislation. Why?

Look at what important issues we have at hand: There’s no water in places & there’s flood elsewhere. Online Admissions is screwed up & Kapil Sibal is already giving up on his bright ideas on the education reform. Crime against women is at a all time high & Kashmir continues to simmer. Financial world is struggling to pick up & unemployment numbers look threatening. But we rejoice because someone said what we are already doing is now legal.

Iran, Obama & Controversy…

Poor Barack Obama. He must be wondering what he ever did to face these extreme levels of scrutiny in anything & everything that he does or doesn’t. Given that his campaign was tech savvy, he still wouldn’t have been ready for this kind of an onslaught.

A fly flies into his face during and interview on prime time national television – he shoos it away, but the fly (much like his problems) keeps zooming back into his face until he kills it in a swift stroke of his hand. And immediately, as if on cue, PETA swoops in on their next victim for their share of 15 minutes on prime time television. God, just leave him alone – we all do it! Well, in India (and in several 3rd world countries) mosquitoes actually kill humans!! Guess that’s beyond PETA’s Focus Areas.

Indian Cricket Team & the ICC T20…

India have entered the ICC T20 at England as a favourite amongst a couple of other teams (South Africans, Kiwis & Sri Lankans) but are yet to live up to their name & fame. Fielding has been extremely poor, not to mention the seem bowling at both the start & at the death. Irfan Pathan has been given a long hand but its time he proves himself with the ball. Not that other bowlers have done very well.

Rohit Sharma is being praised for having replaced Sehwag so well but whether he can make consistency a habit, is to be seen. Dhoni has been promoting himself in the batting order which seems unjustified. No point tampering with the batting order all the time. Raina played well at No. 3 in the IPL & considering Dhoni captained him there too, one would have thought that his position was secure.

Nevertheless, Dhoni seems to have forgotten his skills in sending the ball out of the ground. There has hardly been a knock from his bat (barring a 37 ball 58 in an IPL game) that befits his reputation. Plus the miserable 11 runs of 23 balls is a stinker by his standards. Time for him to pull up his socks.

Another point to ponder is regular wickets when bowling. in T20, one must have a wicket every second over to restrict the run flow.

Most surprising was the way Dhoni handled the “Sehwag” press conference. It reeked of infighting but not within the team – it was more an argument between the team management & BCCI. But I did see the video & felt the reporters were pretty unruly – you don’t ask a captain whether he is unaware of his team mate’s injury. Add to that, you don’t use a tone that was at best, insulting, and mention “information leaks”.

I think the BCCI would do well to appoint a PRO (Mandira Bedi?) and let them handle media – and in the process, insulate the Coach/Captain/Team Manager?Players from the media. The “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” is a dangerous policy to let grow.

Finally, the trick to win matches still remains the same, irrespective of the game’s form – be it Tests/ODIs?T20s, taking 10 opposition wickets as quickly as possible is the only sureshot way of an victory assurance.

Anyways, all the best for the team, yes, we’d like another trophy back at home.

Torturegate…

President Obama wouldn’t have imagined this in his wildest dreams. Some action yes, but this is triggering not just national outrage but even the international community is showing clear signs of unhappiness. And you know what? They are making their displeasure known very well. Reminds me of a saying that when an elephant falls, even the monkes dance on it.

So what is Torturegate? As Mark Danner writes in this brilliant article “…today’s scandal emerges not from a shocking revelation of wrongdoing but from a long process of disclosure during which Americans have stared at blatant lawbreaking with apparent equanimity.” The memos released by Obama’s administration (after a lot of delibration) have stirred the proverbial bee’s nest and America stands divided on opinion.

But the question is a difficult one. What do you choose between getting information that could probably save thousands of lives and compromising ideals and trying to get every & any information from a terrorist? Ok, so somebody comes and says that “look I want to cover my a**” and declares that torture may not eventually lead to worthwhile information. Agreed. But what do you do? Ask a jehadi for information? And what if he spits on your face? Play Mahatma Gandhi with him? Who are we talking about here? A terrorist who works on the single motive called violence and officers who follow orders, jeopardising their & their loved one’s lives & peace apart from sacrificing any possible social life.

So what if the powers deemed torture to be a method of extracting information? Aren’t they the ones who get rapped when they can’t prevent an attack? Is arguing about the life of a mass murderer when thousands of innocents are at stake even worth it?

But what are the pitfalls? Do innocents get tortured just so that officers can show some information and feel that they earn their salaries? Do they use such tactics for personal gratification? Have they become sadists? Are such harsh techniques rampant? What about the “martyr” tag that a jehadi earns after being captured? Are the fundamentalist terrorists using it to motivate more terrorists? Is torture of a captured prisoner a reason for more anger to be directed towards America? These are just the questions answered here, though very very vaguely.

The bigger problem is these questions were neither asked nor answered at the right time. Even now, the right people aren’t speaking about it. But as public outrage grows, America will have to come up with some serious answers. I am impressed by Obama’s decision – understand, this is no “my predecessor was a bad guy” move. It is a clear preference for truth and humanity. It is good governance. But he will now have to take the next correct steps, else, the path is as much slippery as it has grip. I really am not able to understand why he doesn’t want the proverbial “truth panel“. He has come under some potent fire here and am sure many more will follow. Has the change man lost the plot here? Did he really miscalculate and has put his theory before the world’s realism? Though, until now, he has certainly kept the world guessing about him.

But anyways, the CIA and its officers seems to be safe. Unless, as mentioned here, the powers once again make them the scapegoats. But this shouldn’t be new to them and they should have taken enough “cover my a**” precautions. So you can actually blame them – in their jobs, it is not allowed to make mistakes.

Anyways, Torturegate is gaining in stature by the hour. At the end of it, we can be sure that there will be a conclusive settlement. Just wait to see on who’s favour.