Ajmal Amir Kasab speaking…

Salaam-Alei-Kum, this is Ajmal Amir Kasab speaking.

When they recruited me in the Lashkar-e-Taiba, they told me about how badly Muslims were treated in India – they told me about one Mohammad Azharuddin, who was subjected to the cruelty of being the longest captain of the Indian cricket team – in a period when apart from a hero cup or Asia cup, they didn’t win many tournaments. How cruel! That would have happened with only Muslims – the LeT told me that Tendulkar, because he was an Hindu, was spared that misery.

LeT also told me about Salman, Shah Rukh & Aamir – they are being hassled by the media so much! See how Hindu stars are spared by the media. Very bad discrimination.

So with one APJ Abdul Kalam – he was made a President to torture him! Imagine all the stupid people around him that he had to tolerate – they might as well have exiled him.

So, on hearing such discrimination, I decided I’ll attack India. And when LeT told me I’ll go to Jannat, I thought they were either joking or they meant that I get to see that serial kisser’s movie.

But really, this is Jannat!

When I was in my village in Pakistan, all I got was justifiable abuse from my father for being useless & hunger. Now, I get good, clean clothes everyday. I have a barber who attends to me where I stay. I get newspapers & quality food (people actually taste it before they give it to me, just to ensure the salt is correct). And I have more security than probably the President or Prime Minister of India. I heard that they have even adjusted the traffic around the area I live, just for my peace. I spend my valuable time usefully by lying down and dreading about a day when I might have to give up this Jannat. I also recollect with satisfaction about how diligent & efficient I was in my job – I killed well, yeah.

People wonder why I smile so much in court – how stupid? People work hard all through their life and still get ripped off by Financial Houses, Hospitals or the Government itself. After so much, people still go hungry or sleep on pavements (where they risk being killed by a car more than malaria). Given the good life I am living, I’ll obviously smile. Do they know that if LeT even suspects a member to be a traitor, they execute them immediately? And here I am – they have video taped evidence against me, photographs and hundreds of people who saw me doing my job. And they still want to continue what they call a “path-breaking legal process”. Call me a pioneer or visionary for the idea.

You know, this is what gives me most satisfaction – that I have become an entrepreneur who has created so many jobs. What would all these Judges, Lawyers, Journalists, Politicians, Jailers, Cops & Thinkers be doing if I hadn’t happened? They’d have been jobless I guess. And just because one case won’t suffice, I also gave them a second one - I knowingly entered the platform of the railway station where I murdered about 70 people without a platform ticket – just to create more employment. So there you go – am actually more good to India than most average Indians.

Well, that brings me to the conclusion of this essay – a collection of these can published (generate more jobs) at a later date as a memoir – publishers can contact the HO of international terrorism in Islamabad to buy the rights – just talk to one Asif Ali Zardari, he’ll ask for 10%, but once you give that, he’ll take care of the rest. What’s more, he’ll have many more memoirs to publish – a guy with lots of “contacts” in the terror world. 

Will they give me a Bharat Ratna? Or will it be a Padma Vibhushan? Or a Param Vir Chakra (don’t tell me it is only for battle scarred soldiers, I am a soldier, a fidayeen - killed a cop before I was arrested)? I just hope they do it while am alive – because if they award it posthumously, I won’t be able to generate more jobs – you know, the TV Interviews & inspirational talks about my journey.

Hmmm…Lot’s to think about…Chalo, Khuda Haafiz.